


Perspectives

by annalore



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-10-29
Updated: 2002-10-29
Packaged: 2019-07-15 08:24:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16059275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annalore/pseuds/annalore
Summary: Buffy and Spike's relationship forces people to think about what love means.





	Perspectives

**Author's Note:**

> Written during mid season 5, takes place after the end of season 5. My first Buffy fanfic. Not sure when this was posted anymore, the date is the date stamp on the HTML file I have it saved in.

Spike   
  
I never thought that she'd be mine. I wanted her, yes, but something in the back of my mind always told me that I could never have her. That I wasn't _worthy_ of her. Like she should be up on a bloody pedestal or something. I'd've liked to see the look on her face when the damn thing was pulled out from under her. At least _mine_ wasn't as high as the one her friends seem to fancy. I'd love to see... Hell. Who do I think I'm kidding anyway? Nobody would like to see that, least of all me. I wouldn't wish that kind of pain on her. True, I hurt her from time to time, but I know how much pain she can handle, how much pain she needs. I know everything about her. I've learned everything about her these past few months, from the beauty of her mind, to the curves of her body, to the depths of her pain. I've loved everything about her.   
  
She doesn't love me. She's never told me that, but I can see it's true. It doesn't matter. She doesn't love me and I don't care. Because she doesn't love _him_ either. Because she's mine. Because I get to hold her when she cries and see her when she smiles. There is something between us, something that she feels for me. If I can have her, if I can love her without restraint, does it matter that it's not love she's feeling?   
  
I can tell she needs me every time she touches me. I tried to resist that at first, but it hurt too much. Now I give her whatever she needs. If she needs to be loved, I love her. If she needs to be held, I hold her. If she needs to be alone, I leave her. I'd die for her, if it ever came to that.   
  
She used to wait for me to come to her. Now she comes to me. Every so often, I wake up to find her lying next to me on the cold, hard stone of my "bed." We didn't always stay in. Sometimes we'd patrol. Sometimes we'd hunt. Sometimes we'd dance, or talk. Once, I took her to see a movie. First one I'd seen in ages in a theater. It was a bit strange at first, but fun. It was worth it to hear her tell me only I would consider something like _that_ a "date movie." So it was a little violent. I'm still a vampire. Truth be told, I'm sure she enjoyed it as much as I did.   
  
Today, I woke up to find her beside me like so many other times, only something was different. She was curled up, looking for the world like she wanted to make herself as small as possible. Maybe even disappear. She was shaking slightly... crying? I didn't ask, just wrapped my body around hers, helping her to hide. I don't know how she can bear all the pain she feels... especially since she's completely alone with it most of the time. She's so unsure about so many things in her life, most of which her friends would never understand. They try to understand, they want to understand, but the fact remains that they don't. Angel didn't understand. Neither did her latest ex. Loving her doesn't automatically mean understanding her. And they all love her, beyond a doubt. I've always understood her, even when I didn't love her.   
  
After a while, I felt her relax in my arms. When she spoke, her voice was tinged with sadness. "I don't know what's happening to me... Why I'm doing this, with you. Part of me is saying this is wrong, but it doesn't feel that way. How can I betray myself and remain true at the same time? Spike, it hurts so much..."   
  
"I know that pet. But you do what you have to. You've always done what you have to. Just remember, you don't have to be alone."   
  
"How can you love me? I cause you so much pain."   
  
Love. She said it without hesitation this time. If my heart beat, it would be racing. But I know it doesn't mean that she will ever love me. Why do I love her? I don't know. I remember vaguely a passage from the Bible...   
  
"If you love those who love you, what credit it that   
to you? Even sinners love those who love them."   
  
Smart man, that Luke. Or was it not him that said it? Doesn't matter. I wondered, idly, if this means I'm not a sinner. I've never longed for absolution, but every so often... I was brought up Catholic, taught that anyone could have forgiveness, taught to want it. Then I became a vampire. I was told to embrace my darkness. "God doesn't love you" was pretty much Angelus and Darla's slogan. It destroyed Dru... she was an innocent, devout in her belief, and so wanted to be loved. I did embrace my darkness, but I found a source the two of them never even dreamed of. They embraced evil, never knowing that's not a vampire's nature. Even Satan was an Angel once... but the only hell _I'm_ likely to know is here on earth. I embraced my nature while they denied theirs. Predators are neither good nor evil, they just are. You have to embrace your nature, or else it will destroy you. It destroyed the two of them, and more than once. I don't know why I love her, but I know that I do love her. And I know that I have to love her.   
  
"Isn't it enough that I do?" After a pause, I continue. "It would hurt more not to have you."   
  
"I don't know if anything could hurt more." She wasn't talking about us anymore. I knew that. Her life. People continually leaving her. Maybe the Slayer is meant to be alone, but not like this. Nobody deserves to be left. Nobody should have to go through that kind of pain. Her mother, she couldn't help leaving. But Angel should have known better. Riley should have known better. I can't help empathizing with him a little, though. He was willing to destroy himself for her. But he still needed her to love him back. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. What she gave wasn't enough for him. And he left. Girl never gives me a thing, but I know I couldn't abandon her. Because what I said was true. Because no matter how much it hurts me to stay, leaving would hurt more.   
  
"I'm never gonna leave you." I murmur while stroking her hair possessively. "Not even if you want me to." She relaxes slightly and I continue, leaning in closer to whisper right into her ear. "I need you more than anything. More than air, even."   
  
That elicited a small sigh from her. "You're incorrigible."   
  
"And don't you forget it." I said, my mouth almost close enough to touch her.   
  
"Do you have any idea what that does to me?" she asked, knowing I had every idea what it did to her.   
  
The atmosphere had shifted from tense to heated. For now I had gotten her to set aside her problems. She would have to deal with them later, but now was not the time. Now was time to play.   
  
Much later, we lay curled in a nest of blankets, sometimes talking idly, enjoying the break from the demands of the world. Someone seeing us might think we were in love... It's half true. At times like this, I don't feel pain. When I can hold her, for once it doesn't hurt to love.   
  
"Pet?" I inquired.   
  
"Yes?" She answered. She could sense the restless tone in my voice and knew something was going to happen. She sounded a bit excited. As much as we both might enjoy standing still, we can't do it for too long. We were meant for other things.   
  
"Let's do something... Let's go somewhere." On a sudden impulse I asked, "How long do you have left before classes?"   
  
"Week or two. Why?" She was almost as caught up in my scheme as I was. She wanted to know what I was thinking.   
  
"How would you like to go to New York?"   
  
"When?"   
  
"Right now. We could have ourselves an adventure, sneak into the cargo hold... Get the gang all riled up."   
  
I could almost see her weighing the possibilities. What would Giles say? What about Red? Who would look after...   
  
"Dawn. I can't leave her."   
  
"I expect not," I conceded "Here's the plan - write a letter to Giles, grab the niblet from school, and off the three of us will be. Don't worry about packing... you two can have a Spike sponsored shopping spree."   
  
She thought for a moment then said resolutely, "Let's go then."   
  
Now that we were both into my insane plan, we prepared with fervor. I wrote the letter. It was phrased in polite enough if impersonal words. Things had been tense between me and the Watcher since I started seeing his girl. Thinks of her as a daughter, he does. And I'm nothing but a soulless monster to him. He may even have some sort of personal hatred. At around four, Buffy left to get Dawn. After they came back, I figured Dawn'd need a bit of convincing, and then off we were, stopping only once to drop the letter at the Watcher's place.   
  


* * *

  
Giles   
  
I've been worried about her recently. It's not what she might think. I know he's helping her. I just wish that I could do something to help her. The least I can do is give her what she needs and as much as it pains me to admit it, she needs him. I know that they... have a certain type of relationship that I'm not completely comfortable with, but I can also see that she's more at peace with herself these days. When they go out dancing, or walking, or patrolling, I can see it. He's making her happy. She might love him. I'm not sure. She's not sure. I want to tell her that I don't disapprove, but I can't find the words. It hurts her to think that I don't understand... how could I not? I have come to love her more than any father could love his own daughter. I have taken pride in how she handles her problems much better than I ever did mine. I admire her strength and independence, but I also realize that everyone needs someone to take care of them every now and then.   
  
I want to hate him for loving her, but I can't. Even _I_ can see that he is good for her. Unlike Riley, Spike doesn't give her anything to worry about. She knows he can take care of himself and her too, if she should ever need him to. It's quite remarkable actually. I never thought I'd meet a vampire quite like him. I didn't think vampires could feel. And maybe some can't. There seems to be something different about the Master's line, particularly Angel's progeny. Drusilla at times almost seemed tortured by her nature. Spike seems to feel more deeply than most humans.   
  
I hadn't seen her yet today, but that wasn't unusual recently even though it was nearly five. We'd pretty much gone separate ways for the summer. Willow and Tara were in London studying witchcraft through the Council. Xander had taken Anya to Disney... whichever one is in Florida. I pointed out that there was one in California, but he claimed it wasn't the same. Must be an American thing. I still can't believe it myself, but I let them take my car. My new car. Must have been a moment of insanity. It's not only possible; it's more than likely. Buffy had been spending a considerable amount of time with Spike. Which is not to say that she was neglecting her Slaying, just that he now went with her. I'm actually glad she doesn't bring him here more often. Not because I don't like him, but - strike that. It is actually partly because I don't like him, but mostly because it gets incredibly awkward. None of us know how we should act. But I am grateful to him in a way. She's more focused, happier after she's been to see him. When she doesn't see him, it's like she's not grounded in reality. I once had to call him over to get her out of a trance she'd fallen into, near the beginning of the summer. She's getting better all the time. The one person I have been seeing a lot of is Dawn. With the problems Buffy's been having and Joyce gone, I pick her up after the summer classes she's been taking and keep her for the afternoon. Sometimes she spends the evening with Spike and Buffy. I don't get it, but she likes him and he likes her. He's teaching her some self-defense. He dotes on the two of them, calls them his girls, and buys things for them. God knows where he gets the money. Dawn always spends the morning with Buffy. They've gotten much closer since their mother died. It's both touching and heartbreaking.   
  
I wasn't worried about Buffy. But when I walked out my door on the way to get Dawn, I saw an envelope on the ground. The paper inside read, "Took my girls on a trip. Tell you all about it when we get back." It was signed "Spike." I was stunned. I knew Dawn and Buffy would be safe, but I had no idea how long they'd be gone, or even where they were going. I took consolation in the fact that it couldn't be more than two weeks. Buffy's classes started then and Dawn started high school soon after.   
  


* * *

  
Dawn   
  
This is too great! One minute I'm plain, boring Dawn Summers living her boring life and the next I'm in New York. It's so different than anything I'm used to.   
  
I guess I have to be truthful here. Being a mystical key with a vampire slayer sister who has a souled vampire and a demon hunter as ex-boyfriends, a soulless, dechipped vamp as a current boyfriend, and two witches and an ex-demon as friends isn't plain and boring. And my life isn't all that boring either. It's just that New York... _wow_.   
  
This summer has been routine so far, but not a bad routine. I'd wake up around noon, have "breakfast" and hang out with Buffy until my class at 2:30. Around 4, Giles would pick me up and I'd go to the magic shop until dark. The Spike and Buffy, or sometimes just Spike if there was evil around, would come and we'd hang out for a couple hours. And that was my day.   
  
I still miss Mom, but I'm learning how to be happy again. She loved me, even when she knew I wasn't really her daughter. That's something I'll always respect her for. She had the strength to accept me, even when she didn't have to. I want to have that kind of strength. I want to learn the best of everyone around me. I want to be able to care like Mom, to protect like Buffy, to guide like Giles, to love like Spike, to be a friend like Willow and Tara, to face the unknown even when it's tougher than I am like Xander, and to face the challenge of being human like Anya. That's why I've spent the summer learning self-defense from Spike, studying demons with Giles, and taking classes at the new high school. I don't know how long this new resolve is going to last, but it feels like it will. I feel like I'm becoming an adult. Is this what Buffy felt when she accepted her destiny? I wonder if I have a destiny... not as the key, but as Dawn Summers, California girl.   
  
Back to New York. Destiny or no, this has got to be the coolest thing that's ever happened to me. I can still remember my whole life, but I'm becoming more and more conscious that this is the first summer I've been human. And I find myself wanting to do everything and see everything. Maybe Spike gets that. He's always been understanding about me being the key. He's always known what I need to feel human. It's that consideration that removes all doubt of his love for my sister from my mind. He's always known how to help her too...   
  
When Mom first died, Buffy was hurting, but she was strong for all of us. For me. I love her for it, but I wish she had let me help her for once. She never even thought, "I have more right to grieve than Dawn, she didn't _really_ lose her mother." What Buffy immediately thought what more like, "I have to be there for Dawn... she's in danger from a hellgod and has just lost the only parent she's ever really known."   
  
Buffy did protect me from Glory, but neither one of us began to heal until after that. She would walk around all day like a zombie, and I would spend hours in bed, crying. I don't remember quite when Spike started hanging around outside the house again. But he'd help us whenever we needed it, with patrol and things like that. I remember the night I invited him back into the house. After the battle with Glory, Buffy started becoming more and more distant. She'd wander aimlessly, forget what she'd been saying... This one day, she had been sitting in the living room, with a vacant look in her eyes. I couldn't bring her back. I ran right to the cemetery, where I knew Spike would be. I knew that his chip didn't work anymore, but he hadn't killed anyone since. I knew he wouldn't hurt Buffy or me. Nearly out of breath when I got there, I said, "Something's wrong with Buffy. She's at the house. You have to go in and help her." He got this look in his eyes, like I was giving him a gift when no one else ever had.   
  


* * *

  
Spike   
  
I stared at the niblet in shock and disbelief. She was inviting me in to her home, trusting that I'd help Buffy? After a moment, I took off, nearly dragging the girl after me. I dropped her at the Watcher's house, no explanation, saying she was to stay there all night. She should be going to school the next day, but I knew she and Buffy had both been skipping a lot recently. Dawn did talk to me every once in a while. Even Buffy came outside and thanked me once. That was one of the more shocking experiences of my life.   
  
So I got to the house and tentatively went in the door. It wasn't locked. Dawn had at least had the presence of mind to close the thing behind her. My kind isn't the only type of creature roaming about at night, and the other kinds don't need an invite. I wasn't sure quite what to expect, but I didn't think Buffy was in any physical danger, because the whole place was quiet. I walked into the living room to find her sitting on the sofa, not moving, not even reacting to my presence. A year ago, I would have thought it was the perfect opportunity to kill her. I loved her before I got the chip in my head, true, but I didn't stop hating her until long after that.   
  
I walked over to her, not entirely certain what to do. I'm not sure what happened then. One minute I was looking at her, frozen in time and so beautiful, her eyes blinded not by hate but by whatever was wrong inside of her, and the next I was touching her, kissing her. Suddenly, she was there with me, so alive it almost hurt. She didn't stop me and with all the feelings I had been repressing, I definitely couldn't stop myself, even though I knew it was wrong.   
  
I woke up slowly, not daring to believe it had really happened. If it hadn't happened, she couldn't hurt me more than she already had. But it had happened. I was lying on a bed, not the stone slab in my crypt. I opened my eyes to discover it was near morning and I was lying on Buffy's bed. She wasn't there, but I could hear the shower running in her bathroom. After a few minutes the water turned off, and she came out with a towel wrapped around her and a look of sheer exhaustion on her face. She climbed into the bed, looked back at me, and said, "I'm tired, Spike." Then, she curled up next to me and drew my arm around her. I knew I should resist, but something about her said she needed me.   
  
She was asleep almost immediately and I had a chance to get a better look at her. She looked worn, like everything happening in her life had been too much for her. My heart ached for her and I reflexively cursed my weakness. I had completely lost myself in her. All my thoughts were of helping to ease her burden, of giving her what she wanted. With that episode, she would have been going to a psychiatrist if she were any other person. The Council most likely had people who could help her, but her power over them was too new. They'd reject her without a second thought. Even though they knew they had no purpose without a Slayer to fight for them, they were too used to controlling to take orders easily, especially if they perceived her weak. Everything was a power play to them. I couldn't let her face that, not now. She was everything to me, everything I'd ever wanted in my life and in my death. Challenge. Acceptance. I'd never asked for any woman to love me, just to let me love them. Is that so much to expect? I hadn't thought so. Experience taught me differently. But then she let me hold her. She let me know her. I knew that I could never do enough to repay that gift, but I also knew I'd go so far as to deny everything I am to do so.   
  
I'd probably only end up hurting myself. At least that way she wouldn't be the one hurting.   
  
Someone said that the greatest pain in hell is the loss of heaven... It's all too true. I'm a demon, consigned to darkness and I burn for the girl who should be my enemy.   
  
I don't know if anything could hurt more than this.   
  


* * *

  
Buffy   
  
I knew something was wrong, but I didn't want to alarm anyone. I didn't want them to feel I was a burden. They'd worry too much when I had to patrol. I worried when I went out patrolling. Nothing had happened yet, but it was getting worse. I knew I'd have to tell soon, but not then. Never then.   
  
It started happening when I was alone. I'd look at a clock to find it was later than I'd expected. I accounted for it as a lack of attention and didn't think anything of it. It began happening with more and more frequency, but not while I was doing anything important. After a while, I started to find it hard to concentrate on what was going on around me. I'd blank out in the middle of conversations, forget what was going on around me. Then I had my first "episode," as I've come to refer to them. I didn't really know what was happening at the time, but I've been told the whole story.   
  
When I felt his lips on mine, I know instinctively who it was and that he didn't mean to hurt me. I forced myself out of the place in my mind that I had retreated to and responded to his caresses. At that moment, Spike had something I needed. He loved me, but he didn't need me to be strong. Something in me clicked then. Spike loved me, but it wasn't repulsive anymore. It was sweet and endearing and what every girl dreams of as a child. (Well, except for the part where he's a vampire.)   
  
When I woke up much later in my own bed with his arms around me, I searched for a reason for what we had done. I knew his reason well enough, but mine was a mystery to me. There was a part of my mind, the part I had inhabited the night before to escape from the world, that had told me that this was right. Still wrapped in the pleasures of the night, I couldn't argue. I felt like I had reclaimed a part of myself. Another part of me, the girl that had been hurt so many times, was pathetically happy he was still there. I hadn't expected anything different, though. Not from Spike. He wouldn't have left me alone because he too has been hurt by love.   
  
I escaped to the shower not out of any need to be clean, but to have a minute alone. I didn't know how I was going to face him when he woke up, but I did know that at least some of this needed to be sorted out now. Time would only make things worse. The hot water ran down my face like tears, the tears that hadn't come at my mother's death or since. Remembering how I found the body, my mommy's body, I broke down. I irrationally hoped that the shower would cover the sound of my tears. He'd know I'd been crying anyway. He always does know these things somehow. When I got out of the shower, I felt exhausted. I'd purged every emotion out of my system and the resulting emptiness made me want to sleep and do nothing else.   
  
Waking up in his arms the second time was not altogether unpleasant. I didn't know if it would happen a third time, but at that moment I couldn't see why it shouldn't. I could no longer convince myself that it was wrong. Spike was no longer a killer and it was by choice this time. I moved closer to him under the blankets, trying to forget. Trying to return to a time when I didn't have the weight of the world on my shoulders, a time when I was the innocent that needed protecting. I could barely remember that time. I could remember, even as a little girl, wanting to protect my Dawnie. I loved her so much. I still do, even though my memories about her conflict. Since Glory, I could remember two lives, one where I have a sister and one where I don't. I know the memories without Dawn in them are the real ones, but that doesn't make it any easier. She used to make Mom so happy... I hurt her when I ran away... but in reality, I had nothing left to stay for, no little sister who needed me. Maybe if Dawn really had been there, I would have stayed. Dawn was worked into my memories, but I realize that things may have been different if she had been born my sister.   
  
I felt him wake up. Even though vampires don't need to breathe, they do, more or less, even in their sleep. There was no difference in Angel's breath whether he was asleep or awake. When he wakes up, Spike starts breathing more like a human. I don't know if it's unconscious on his part, but I noticed it right away. He opened his eyes and looked at me silently, as if he was afraid I'd be taken away from him if he said anything. It warmed me to see his quiet wonder, but I also remembered where I was and who I was with. Spike. My enemy. Enemy? He had been helping me for a long time now. I had thanked him. It was a surreal moment. Letting him lurk outside my house was one thing, but one night, knowing he was there, I felt the need to go say something to him. I had walked outside to find him sitting on the back porch, not moving. I sat next to him. It reminded me of a time not so long ago when he had comforted me there after I had found out Mom needed to go to the hospital. I had turned to him to find him looking at me intently. I didn't know what I meant to say until the words came out of my mouth. I thanked him. And I _was_ thankful. I couldn't have done it without him. I knew I would have more to be thankful for in the future. Something was telling me I couldn't do this without him. I didn't think I wanted to do it without him.   
  
After a moment of silence, I said, "Do you remember? After Glory, did you remember our lives without Dawn?"   
  


* * *

  
Spike   
  
What a question to ask, as the first thing she said to me. Not that I didn't know what she was talking about... I did remember. Of course, I never spent much time with Dawn before this year, so my memories hadn't been altered that much. Buffy must now have two different versions of her life floating around in her head, while my restored memories are no more than footnotes.   
  
I remember the first time I ever saw Dawn. It was when I came back to Sunnyhell after Dru had left me. I was drinking cocoa with the Slayer's mum and I saw her peering at me from around a corner. I didn't even consider killing her. Upset as I was about Dru, I couldn't help thinking that the girl was cute, like the puppy Dru had named Sunshine. I didn't wish that kind of neglect and careless cruelty on the girl. I smiled at her. For some reason she wasn't scared. She just stared at me with those fathomless eyes of hers for a minute, then scampered off. I know now that memory is only manufactured, but it seems so real. In that one moment, I felt human again. It was the first time in over a hundred years there was someone I didn't want to be afraid of me. It was the first time I had genuinely liked someone. While vampires can love without a soul, and do so often and with an intensity that humans don't, we can't, or don't, _like_ other people. It was such a small thing, but she had me, even then. Dawn is the one person I've never wanted to hurt or to see hurt by someone else.   
  
"Yes, I remember."   
  
"The rest of them don't."   
  
That shocked me. I hadn't for a moment thought that they wouldn't remember too. I knew my original memories had returned and from the way Buffy'd been acting, I suspected hers had too. Dawn had told me that she'd been gaining a sense of what she'd been originally. I guessed it was those of us in the not-quite-human club who got the special bonus memories. Goodie for us. Wonder if Angel was affected by this, or if he even knew about Dawn? If he's said anything, I haven't been told. I told Buffy all of this, minus the part about Angel.   
  
She was silent again for a long while. Eventually, I broke the silence.   
  
"I meant to tell you this, pet, but I wasn't sure how, or if you'd believe me... I was sorry to hear about your mother. Because I liked her, and because I know you and the niblet needed her."   
  
She was still lying in my arms, but on her back, and with some distance between us. At this, she started trembling, turned towards me, and began sobbing uncontrollably. I was surprised, to say the least. Not because she _was_ crying, because I knew she needed the release even with the cry she'd had in the shower, but because she was doing it in front of me. I loosened the towel around her, seeking to touch her, to comfort her. I pulled her closer, moved her head against my chest, and stroked her back until her sobs subsided and she fell into a restful sleep.   
  
I knew that I couldn't stay any longer, so I got up, immediately missing the warmth of her body. I quickly got dressed, wrote Buffy a note, called the Watcher and told him he could bring Dawn home, and left. I had come to Buffy's house once before during the day and I was just foolish enough to brave the journey again.   
  


* * *

  
Dawn   
  
When I got home, the house was quiet. There was no one downstairs, so I went up to Buffy's room, not quite knowing what to expect. When I opened the door I found her lying on her bed, the covers pulled up around her. She was clearly naked under there, and I could see her clothes deposited in a corner.   
  
When I invited Spike in, I'm not entirely sure what I had in mind, but it certainly wasn't this. I didn't know what to think of the situation. Buffy's always had issues about sex. Just look at her exes - Angel turned all evil, Parker used her, and then there's Riley. He couldn't tell the difference between her and Faith, even if Faith _was_ in Buffy's body at the time. I didn't know how she'd deal with having that kind of relationship with Spike, of all people. She'd always been betrayed by her lovers. Not that I thought Spike would betray her, but she probably did.   
  
Looking around the room some more, I saw a piece of paper with "Slayer" written on it. The writing looked a little like that fancy old-fashioned handwriting, but modern enough to read easily. He'd left her a note. Of course I read it.  
  


Buffy 


  
  


Hope you feel better when you wake. Sorry to leave like this, but you looked so 


 

peaceful lying there. If you want to talk about what happened, or anything else, you 


 

know where to find me. I'll come around tomorrow night it I don't hear anything before 


 

then. 


  
  


I'd say we'll do this again, but I'm not sure if you'll want to. Just know that while I 


 

regret nothing, I'm not going to force you into something that you'll regret. 


  
  


Spike 


  
  


P.S. I won't tell you I love you if you don't tell me you hate me.


  
  
It was all too sweet. I'd die for a guy like him to look twice at me. (Not literally of course) But it was time for me to play the annoying sister and wake Buffy up as obnoxiously as possible. That's what's fun about being younger. It's what's expected. I plopped down on her bed, at the same time calling out her name. I got pretty quick results... must come from her being the Slayer. Buffy groaned as she tried to sit up, belatedly realizing she didn't have any clothes on. I was already across the room, retrieving a nightshirt for her. When she was decent and sitting up, she said my name in that way only she can - half questioning and half threatening. She was in a bad mood. I got the message. Really I did. But I just can't help myself sometimes.   
  
"He left a note." I said buoyantly.   
  
"Did you read it?"   
  
"No..." She glared at me. "Maybe a little bit." I admitted. I felt a little guilty then, so I handed her the note and let her read it.   
  
When I looked back at her, she had tears in her eyes. I sat next to her cautiously, not quite sure exactly what she was on the verge of crying over. Given the circumstances, it could have been almost anything. After a minute she blurted out, "I cried in his arms." (Among other things, I was sure.) Then, "I don't know what to do."   
  
It was strange to hear her say that. There was a time I thought Buffy always knew what to do. She's so afraid of feeling weak. She can't see that allowing other people to help you is not a weakness. Love is what she draws her strength from. Why can't she see that and let the people that love her help her?   
  
"What do you think you want to do?"   
  
She looked at me, as if surprised by the question. Someone had for once asked her what she wanted and for once she could actually have what she wanted. In the absence of responsibilities, she seemed not to be able to decide what she only **said** she wanted and what she **really** wanted.   
  
"I've always told myself that Spike is the bad guy, that anything between us would be wrong, but he's been helping us. And last night... I can't explain it, but I needed him so badly it hurt. Actually hurt. I felt like I would die if he stopped touching me, even for a minute. I didn't even think of stopping it, because I wanted it so badly. When I woke up in his arms, I still felt it. Not love exactly, but warmth and desire and I can't even believe I'm saying this to my little sister."   
  
I had been wondering when she'd get around to that. I never get to hear any of the good stuff, just because I'm younger.   
  
Since this kind of sharing was all new to me, I spoke hesitantly. "If you want Spike, you shouldn't be ashamed. If he makes you feel good, you shouldn't think that having him would be wrong."   
  
I realized as I was saying it that this was my opinion on the matter. I liked Spike and knew that he loved her. Whatever that might mean in the larger sense, I knew it to mean that she would never be hurt by his hand or by his intention. He's always been there when it really counted, because no matter how much he used to say he wanted to kill her, he couldn't stand the thought of her dead. No matter what Buffy said about her feelings for Spike, she obviously had it bad for him. If she didn't, she would be nowhere near this flustered. If she thought he'd make her happy, I was all for it. I only wondered if she would make him happy.   
  
She looked at me with a new respect evident in her eyes and responded, "I just don't want it all to be about the sex."   
  
"You don't think that's what you and Riley were about, just before he left? Besides, it never would be. It never could be. You know that Spike is completely in love with you."   
  
"I know." was all she said, but she looked like she was thinking it over. I guessed we'd see what decision she would make when he came here. I knew she wouldn't be going to him.   
  
After we had sat in silence for a while I said conversationally, "So... how was he?" She shrieked "Dawn!" and then giggled... actually _giggled_. After a minute she calmed down and, to my not inconsiderable shock, actually answered me. Her face bright red, she said, "Better than I ever imagined."   
  
"You actually fantasized about doing it with Spike?"   
  
If it was possible, she turned even more red. "I'm not blind you know... and there was that time Willow did that spell..."   
  
In no time, we were chatting about and giggling over Spike like talking about boys was something that we'd always done.   
  


* * *

  
Spike   
  
After Buffy'd had a couple more of her episodes, I started to notice some things about them. Even though she seemed to be aware of nothing, she always knew where in the room people were, even if they'd moved. Her eyes, unfocused as they may be, followed people around the room at times. And she always seemed to come out of it when I touched her. I started forming some theories. To defeat Glory, the Scoobies had performed another one of those spells... "Tap the source of her power" or some such thing. The trances seemed to be connected with her Slayer powers somehow. When she was in one, she seemed completely disconnected from the world, but was aware of everything going on. The rest of the time, she seemed drained and tired. Every time I got her to focus on me alone, she returned to normal, or better than normal. Her reflexes seemed better than they've ever been.   
  
It seemed to me that the spell had been too powerful for her to handle all at once. My presence seemed to serve as a focus point for processing the new sensations. Why she picked me, I don't know. But the more time she spent around me, the more she seemed to need me. As the summer started, the episodes became less frequent and she returned to her old self, so I can only assume that my theories were reasonably correct.   
  


* * *

  
Dawn   
  
In the time between Spike's first two visits to our house, I felt closer to Buffy than I had in a long time. We talked about nearly everything the first day, including Mom and our worries about the future. Buffy told me how she had to take some incompletes in school, but was still planning on finishing college. She wanted to keep the house, even if it meant having to work. I knew Giles would help us out if we had any real money problems, and Mom's insurance covered a lot of the costs. I told her how I could still go to high school next year if I did some work over the summer and how I wanted to learn how to defend myself. Buffy couldn't protect me forever, and I wanted to feel safe. We went to the movies and afterwards she bought me ice cream. That night I got to go on a patrol for the first time. It was only for a short time and we didn't see any vampires, but I was still thrilled because Buffy was finally sharing herself with me. With her out Slaying so much, I got to see my sister much less often than the Scoobies do. In Sunnydale, it had always been like that.   
  
The second day was very tense. Buffy grew more and more agitated as the day wore on. I could practically see the thoughts running through her head. "What'll I say when he comes? What if he doesn't come? Will we...?" At that one, she would blush and go back to the beginning.   
  
Once, she voiced her concerns to me. "I don't know what I feel."   
  
"Okay. Here's something that might help. There's this meditation thing Willow taught me. Close your eyes." She looked a bit skeptical but did what I said. I waited until she obeyed me before I went on. "Take deep breaths. Imagine Spike is standing in front of you. What do you feel?"   
  
"I feel... empty. He has something I need and I want him to give it to me. I feel his eyes burning into mine. He wants me to love him like he loves me but more than that he wants to give me what I need."   
  
"He touches you. What happens?"   
  
"I feel his hand against my cheek and I nuzzle it. It feels cool to me, but only because he has no body heat and I'm on fire. I want to lose myself in that coolness, relieve the pressure inside me. Tears stream down my face because something tells me it's wrong. He looks pained by the thought of rejection and then I know I can't hurt him. I'd only hurt myself."   
  
"He takes his hand away."   
  
"I strain forward, trying to regain what has been lost. I cry harder, because something tells me the separation is even more wrong."   
  
I wondered for a minute if I told her to cluck like a chicken when I snapped my fingers, she'd do it, but she was already coming out of the trance-like state she'd been in.   
  
She didn't say anything, but I know something inside her had changed. She spent the rest of the day flitting from one thing to another. She was beginning to drive me insane when she finally retreated to her room.   
  
When Spike arrived just after dark, I intercepted him. I'd thought more about the self-defense thing and had asked Buffy if I could talk to him about it.   
  
Before I could say anything, he looked at me warily and started talking before I could have a chance to say anything. "What did your sister tell you niblet?"   
  
"Pretty much everything," I admitted. He started looking uncomfortable. I continued as if oblivious, "I read the note too..." He looked almost embarrassed at that. "I thought it was sweet" I finished. He looked as only he can, a mixture of relieved and offended. He chose not to pursue the offended bit. Even though he could've hurt me then, I knew he wouldn't.   
  
"So you're not upset with me."   
  
"No. I want you both to have something that'll make you happy. This may not be it, and if it is you'll both have to work at it, but I can't stop it. I don't want to."   
  
He smiled at me, a smile that any girl still breathing, and some not, would die for. "When'd you get to be so smart?"   
  
I blushed. Spike has always made me feel like I'm not a little girl. That I'm actually a person that has value in the world. I've started to feel that way around Buffy too. She was starting to acknowledge me as someone who could help bear her burdens with her, someone who loved her that much. I was starting to feel that I could have a family again, with the two of them. Not that I'd tell them that.   
  
"That's actually what I've been wanting to talk to you about. Since Glory, things have been changing for me... I want to do something to help. I asked Buffy, that is Buffy said it would be okay if I asked you to teach me some self defense."   
  
I looked at the floor, oddly nervous, waiting for his response. It was all I could've hoped for. "Course I'll help you, pet. 's what friends are for."   
  
It's not like I have a crush on Spike. I mean, I did for about two seconds, but I got over it just as quickly. He completely belongs to my sister.   
  
"She's in her room waiting for you."   
  


* * *

  
Spike   
  
When I got to Buffy's room, I found her sitting on her bed, her back against the headboard. Not knowing how wise an action it was, I went and sat down beside her, removing my boots first, so as not to get the sheets dirty. After a minute, she started talking.   
  
"I've asked myself again and again what it is I want. I've replayed that night and imagined this one hundreds of times. None of them seemed more real than any other. Dawn asked me what I want. I'm not sure."   
  
"This might sound like a strange question, but Buffy, do you have any regrets?" I asked, looking at her.   
  
Gamely, she answered, "Some. Not for things that I've done so much as things that I haven't done and for things that have been done to me. 'Why regret what cannot be,' right? But I do. I regret Angel. I regret Riley. I even regret Parker. I regret not spending time with my mother when I could. I sometimes regret losing so much of my youth to my calling."   
  
"I've thought about it a bit, and there are very few things in my life I regret doing. It's what I didn't do that haunts me. I didn't try hard enough to keep Dru. I didn't stop her from killing that couple when she came back here. I didn't tell you I loved you the right way. I haven't followed the path of the righteous. But I've been followin' the only path I know. Even when I was William the Bloody-bad-poet, I followed the only path I knew - love. And it's hurt me more times and more deeply than I thought possible. I'd half convinced myself not to come tonight. It would have been best. I really am a fool."   
  
At that last, I laughed bitterly, only to be stopped by her hand on my shoulder. Her voice followed soon after, quietly, hesitantly. "Spike... kiss me."   
  
I looked into her eyes, mesmerized by what I found there. They were aglow with timid passion, entreating me to follow her command. How could I refuse?   
  
"One thing I don't regret, love, is what happened when I got the chip out. I got to prove to you and myself that I really can change." I saw something flicker in her eyes as I lowered my mouth to hers.   
  
The rest of the night I remember in flashes. Her lips warm against mine. Her body entwined with mine, skin against skin. My hands tangled in her hair. Her moan of pleasure and pain. Strength against strength, passion against passion. Holding her close to me in our exhaustion. Kissing her shoulder. Tasting her skin. Falling asleep and knowing that any dream could not be better.   
  
Waking up the next morning was slightly less pleasant. At first I couldn't tell what the constant knocking was, but soon I realized it was someone at Buffy's door. I assumed Dawn must be up already, because I heard her answer the door. After a bit she came up, knocked on the door to the room and opened it a crack. To save her the trouble of looking, I told her I was there.   
  
"Willow's downstairs. I told her Buffy was still asleep, but I don't think that will stall her for long."   
  
"I'll wake Buffy up and send her downstairs, you go back down. I don't think I need to tell you that as far as Red's concerned I'm not, nor have I been in the recent past, in this house."   
  
After Dawn left, I concentrated on waking Buffy. When shaking her didn't work, I got an idea. Smiling wickedly, I reached down and touched her in an unmentionable place. That got her up quick enough. She looked disappointed when I told her Willow was there, but then started hurrying to get dressed, eager to see her friend. I watched her, not bothering to hide the fact. Figured by then I had the right. She was beautiful in every way possible.   
  
As she was about to leave, she looked back at me hesitantly. Getting what she was asking, I said, "Tell Red anything you like."   
  
"I don't think I'll say anything until we know what this is."   
  
What this is? Intriguing question, that. I knew how I felt and what I wanted, but for once she was a mystery. Not a complete mystery, but more like those ones you know one of two people has to be the killer and you can't figure out which one. I know her better than she knows herself, but my guess was as good as anyone's.   
  


* * *

  
Buffy   
  
When I woke up next to Spike the third time, I knew this was a permanent thing. It felt too good not to be. I still didn't know what we were to each other. People who happened to sleep together? Friends with benefits? Lovers? I couldn't even see myself saying, "This is my boyfriend, Spike." More like, "Hi. My name is Buffy and I'm a Spike-aholic." I should be seeking help right about now. I'm pursuing a relationship with a person I'm fairly certain I don't love. But then, I didn't really love Riley, did I? I should have, but I didn't. I did have, and always have had, strong feelings for Spike. 'Hate' is not as far removed from 'love' as 'like' is. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin, bound together by passion. Angel and Angelus taught me that.   
  
Spike asked me if I had any regrets. One thing that I didn't mention was how I treated him when he told me he loved me. I've started thinking I was wrong to treat him so harshly. The look on his face when I shut the door on him... I went up to my room and cried for hours, not for his pain, but for the person I'd become. I was so blinded by fear and pain then I didn't care how I hurt people. Breaking Spike's heart like that didn't make me feel powerful. It made me feel weak, unclean. It made me feel like he was better than me.   
  
When I got downstairs Willow's face lit up. "Buffy. I haven't seen you in so long."   
  
I grinned. "I missed you too, Will."   
  
"So, what've you been up to?"   
  
"Besides skipping all my classes? I hung out with Dawn the other day. We talked a lot, about Mom and our plans. I'm finally getting to know my sister as a person."   
  
"That's great. You're not missing anything in class. Sometimes even _I_ wish I could get out of going."   
  
I feigned a shocked look and said, "Will!" Then I became serious again. I couldn't believe it, but I was going to tell her. I hesitated. No way to do this besides just saying it.   
  
"A couple of days ago, I had this episode... I blanked out for what was apparently a long time. Dawn was scared, so she went to get help. It seems the first person to come to her mind was Spike. You know he's been hanging around outside the house again?"   
  
"No, I didn't, but continue anyway."   
  
"So he came over and one thing led to another and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in his arms. Will, it felt so comfortable, more than Riley ever did. I cried in his arms when I couldn't cry in the arms of the man I was supposed to love." All my doubts were pouring out now, and with them, tears. I couldn't stop either one. "I thought it was just a fluke at first, but then it happened again. He's up there right now, waiting. What am I supposed to do? I'm not supposed to have these feelings. I'm not supposed to feel lost when he's not near me."   
  
She had her arms around me before I finished and held me until all the tears were purged. She kind of blanched at the thought of Spike in my room, but I'd say she was handling the whole thing better than I handled her and Tara at first.   
  
"I can't say I understand this, because I don't, but for you I'll try. Whatever you decide, I'll be here for you." After a slight pause she continued. "Although, I should tell you, I don't mean here in the literal sense. Giles managed to arrange for me and Tara to spend the summer in England studying spells and things. But you can always call me."   
  
"Congratulations, Will. I hope you have a great time. When do you leave?"   
  
"In two weeks. Just after school ends." I could tell how happy Willow was about it. She was practically glowing.   
  
When I got back to my room at around noon, I found Spike huddled in the corner, looking like he was in a great deal of pain. I walked over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. He whipped his head up and I was startled to see he was vamped out. And there were tears streaking his face. With a visible effort, he returned his face to its human guise.   
  
He thought that I'd be afraid of this, that he'd hurt me. I wasn't afraid. He had been so tender, so loving, recently, that I couldn't believe he would do anything to me. I needed to show him that. I put my hand on his cheek only to feel the ridges reappear. "Buffy, don't..." He whispered. I didn't listen. I approached him again, kissing the ridges, kissing him, telling his I wasn't afraid. He started whimpering, and I finally got what was wrong. When was the last time he's eaten? Most likely not since he'd been reinvited into the house. I could have gone to the butcher's and gotten some blood, but this was about trust, right? So I grabbed a nail scissor and crouched down beside him. I cut above my wrist with the scissor and held my arm to his mouth to let him drink. He sucked at my arm timidly at first and then with more assurance, stopping when I started to feel light headed. When I looked back at him after bandaging the cut in my arm, his human face was back again and he was crying. I wedged myself into the corner next to him.   
  
"Why'd you... I can't... don't do this to me, love."   
  
"Don't do what?"   
  
"Don't make me hope. Don't make me feel. It hurts so much..."   
  
"Do you trust me?"   
  
"Good question that one. Do I trust you? You hurt me. You let me touch you. You let me taste you. You let me love you. So yeah, I guess I trust you."   
  
"You don't have to be afraid of not being strong. I don't need that. I just need you here."   
  
At that, he broke. I wrapped him in my arms and we both cried. I'd been doing that a lot lately.   
  
When Dawn came into the room much later, she found us huddled in the corner, asleep. She told me later that we both looked like scared animals. He woke up quickly, rising like the predator he should be, stalking out of the house with an easy, dangerous grace, leaving me in an undignified heap on the floor. None of my boyfriends had treated me like that before, with such an utter lack of regard, yet I wanted him so badly at that moment. I had to stop myself from running after him. I wondered what was wrong with me. I felt like I was losing my mind to him. Maybe Spike was right all along. Maybe I do like it rough. Maybe I can't help that, no matter what I tell myself.   
  
It finally dawned on me then how much of myself I'd invested in him, how much I needed him to feel normal. I was empty. I could already feel the nothingness pull at my mind. I had poured all of myself into him, and when he'd left, he'd taken it all with him. He was gone not a minute and my body already ached for the feel of his against it. My heart already ached at the absence of his love surrounding me. I had never felt so blindingly needy before, never lost myself so completely.   
  
I stood up, needing to lean against the wall to keep from collapsing. Dawn noticed this and I reluctantly showed her my arm.   
  


* * *

  
Spike   
  
The time between our second and third encounters was the real turning point, the point of no return. I spent that time angry and embarrassed, determined to stay away as long as I could. I managed a full six days. I spent most of my time getting extremely, blissfully drunk. Whiskey, tequila, beer, you name it, I had it. Even tried pig's blood laced with bourbon. Let me tell you, it's got nothing on Slayer's blood. I've killed two and drank from two. No the same two. I killed the Chinese girl. Tasted that one. _She_ had nothing on Buffy. Buffy. I didn't know how I could have broken down like that. The more I stayed in that room alone, the more unsure I felt. The more desperate I got. Eventually, I was barely able to control my need to feed to top it off. Never told Buffy this, it being a rather indelicate topic, but for vampires the whole blood lust thing is somewhat connected to sex. And Buffy'd been my first in such a long time. Was only my third lover really, and I still killed while I was with Dru. It was different with Harm. I never really liked her. She was just a way to get rid of the frustration of not being able to hunt and being in love with Buffy. I cursed myself for thinking I could have something with Buffy. She deserves the best out of life, not a broken wreck who can't love her all proper like. Who dreams about her blood almost half as much as he does about her body. My presence would poison her, turn her into as depraved a creature as I am.   
  
Tender memories angered me farther. How could I possibly steel myself against the loss if I can't get her out of my mind? And I couldn't. I couldn't get the taste of her out of my mouth. I couldn't get her voice out of my head. "I don't need that. I just need you here." What do I say to something like that? Nothing, apparently. I cried in front of her. That wasn't what embarrassed me. It was the giving myself over to my hunger. I should have known what would happen... I never wanted her to see me like that - in the depths of bloodlust, trying not to lose control.   
  
I spent the first day high on Slayer blood. It's a powerful aphrodisiac, you know... and I couldn't go to her. I tried to get rid of the taste with alcohol, the stronger the better. Didn't work. All the while I burned for her, wanting her to be _my_ girl.   
  
When I finally went to her, I was still drunk and in a foul mood. She was in her house, looking lost and a bit confused. I found out later that she'd been attempting to go on with her life as if nothing had happened. She'd been becoming disconnected again, was on the verge of another episode and she was moody to boot. There was nothing gentle about that encounter. We attacked each other like animals, like predators, flesh against unyielding flesh, trying to drown the anger, drown the pain, drown the memory, in passion.   
  


* * *

  
Buffy   
  
I woke up to pain radiating through my body. At first I couldn't place where I was, but then I remembered the jarring sensation as I fell off my bed. It hadn't stopped me then... I'd just taken him with me. You ever have those moments when something seemed like a good idea at the time, but really isn't in the end? This is one of those times. Waking up on the cold, hard floor next to a man I'm supposed to hate was not one of the brighter moments of my life.   
  
Ever notice how smells you once found repulsive can combine to form the most wonderful associations. Hard liquor, cigarettes, and refrigerated blood overlaid on peroxide and old leather are the essence of Spike and the smell now has the power to put me at ease or to drive me out of my mind with desire. He was very drunk the night before and I was boiling over with pent up energy. It felt like we were dancing again. Not making love, but sublimating hate. We didn't hate each other any longer, but our natures still struggled for dominance.   
  
The floor of the house really _was_ uncomfortable. I gathered my energy, braced myself, and crawled into the bed. The pain pulsed through me, settling back to a more bearable level after I was lying down again. In my mind I upgraded the night before from "not a good idea" to "a very bad idea." My arm had healed days ago, but was throbbing from an encounter with a door, my head hurt from colliding with the floor, and I had several long scratches on my back that I completely did not want to have to explain away. I hadn't felt that tired yet that completely satisfied except for a couple long nights of successful slaying. I remember, on those occasions, sneaking through my window late at night and crawling into my bed, so tired and purged of feeling I could sleep without remembering my failings.   
  
I tried not to remember the night before. I didn't want to admit to the synergy Spike and I seemed to have. I didn't want to admit I wanted him that badly. I didn't want to admit that I was just as dangerous a creature as he ever was. A predator. Back when he used to push me to admit things about myself, I could push back, deny the truth. Now that he wasn't pushing anymore, all the denials in the world wouldn't do anything. There was no one I could impress with them. There was only him and me, and he had always known the truth.   
  
Spike has changed since he first came to Sunnydale. I don't think he would have come back three times if he hadn't. And why did he do that anyway? He seems to think of this place as his home and us as friends of a sort, for all he calls the town Sunnyhell and claims, or claimed, to hate us. The first time he came was for Dru. I was just a side attraction. I bet he was overjoyed to find out I was here too... The second time he came was for Dru too. He wanted her back, but she'd left him because he couldn't get me out of his mind. To tell the truth, I thought about him too. As much as I violently disliked him, I kinda wondered what had happened to him, my own personal enemy. My first, really. The Master had wanted to rule the world. Spike wanted me, _my_ blood. He wasn't afraid of me like a lot of vamps are these days. It seems I really _do_ have a reputation. The third time was for the Gem of Amara. God only knows what he was planning to do with it. The fourth time he came, he came for me. I couldn't face that. I'd seen how he was about Dru. I knew how he could be caring and gentle then cruel and ruthless. Two Slayers. He killed them and I know it could have been me. The chip in his head had stopped him from hurting people. We took him in. The chip stopped working, and you know what we did? We let him be. And he hasn't killed anyone since. At first it was hard. He'd had to keep himself chained up for the first few days. I had to feed him, because I knew that out of all of us, he wouldn't hurt me. After that the vampire and demon populations suffered a rapid decline and I think he bought out several bars in town. Dealing with an incessantly drunk Spike was not a fun thing, but for some reason he didn't suffer from violent tendencies while drunk. After a while he went back to the way he'd been - world weary, as if he'd seen everything there was to see and wasn't much impressed, like he knew everything about himself and most things about everyone else. Reconciled. That's how I'd describe it. He seemed reconciled to what he was and to what the world was.   
  
I rolled onto my stomach and hung over the edge of the bed. I prodded Spike to wake him up. If I couldn't sleep, he wouldn't either. He groaned as he woke up, bringing his hand to his head. I almost made a comment about his drinking, but stopped when I remembered what vice he was currently using it to forget.   
  
He practically growled, "What?" Still in a foul mood. Well, I was in a bit of a funk too.   
  
"I've been thinking."   
  
"Yeah?" Make that extremely foul. He said that like he didn't think I was capable of such a thing.   
  
"Yes. I've been thinking."   
  
More politely this time he said, "What about?"   
  
"About me... and you. Remember when we first met?"   
  
He softened. He did remember. I wondered what he had felt then.   
  
"Outside the Bronze. I told you I was going to kill you."   
  
"You were my first personal enemy. With the others it was always about taking over the world, or opening the hellmouth. With you, it was always about me. I wasn't the one getting in your way. You'd come for me. It's an odd sensation. It made me afraid, but at the same time I felt drawn to you."   
  
He was silent for a while. When he did speak, the question he asked surprised me. His questions always seemed like non sequiters. It almost seemed as if he were replying to my thoughts and not my words.   
  
"What do you think it's like to die Buffy?"   
  
"I try not to think about it."   
  
"Those other two Slayers. I killed them. It could have been you."   
  
"Don't think that. It wasn't me. And Slayers all die, you know that. We're not immortal. I would rather have died by your hand than any other vampire's. You respected me. I think _they_ must have felt that too. Not that I'm condoning what you did, but it happened. Nothing can change that."   
  
He repeated dully, "Nothing can change that."   
  


* * *

  
Spike   
  
She was leaning over the side of the bed, her hair streaming down onto the floor. She looked beautiful, but I was not in a poetic mood. If I had been, I might've been likely to say something about her hair shining like sunlight, maybe include a bit about drowning in her eyes, or wanting to, for good measure. Maybe I'd praise the golden luster of her skin, call her my goddess. But I was all too aware that she was not divine, but flesh... and blood. Blood. It was hard sometimes, not thinking about that.   
  
I went to a mass a few weeks ago. Bloody insane thing to do, it was. I remembered snippets of it, even though the mass was in Latin back when I was human.   
  
"Lead us not into temptation,   
But deliver us from evil."   
  
"Deliver us Lord, from every evil   
And grant us peace in our day."   
  
Nice words they are. Can't tell if I believe in God, but I have a healthy respect for religion. Why would holy water burn and crosses hurt if there wasn't something to the whole thing?"   
  
When I was walking out the door of the church, there was the ever present holy water. I saw it, and in the state I was in, I thought, "Why the hell not." I dipped my hand in, raised it to my forehead. "In the name of the Father." my chest. "the Son." left shoulder, then right. "and the Holy Spirit. Amen." It burned, but I figured I deserved it. Why would holy things injure a creature that is not evil?   
  
There was a priest standing in the shadows near the confessional, watching me. I went over to him.   
  
"What are you searching for?"   
  
"Father, I have sinned." Not a request for forgiveness. Just an admission of the fact.   
  
"You are not what you think you are, my son."   
  
"What’d you mean by that? Vampire? Evil? Bloody stupid for coming in here?"   
  
"There is yet hope. God loves all his children." I was, to coin another Sunnydale phrase, severely 'wigged out.' I tried to forget. I couldn't help but remember.   
  
I made a decision and told her we were going out. Told her to wear something nice and black. If I'd been prone to poetics, I might have said I was searching for redemption in places I only seemed to find damnation. But did I really? Buffy was accepting me. The priest... he didn't reject me.   
  
When we were standing in the church, she turned to me and said, "I thought vampires couldn't..."   
  
"Just a bit uncomfortable is all. Last time I came here I put my hand in the holy water over there." I responded, indicating the basin near the door. "Hurt like hell." Not that _I've_ ever been there, I though maliciously to myself. She glared at me then. It's almost as if she knew what I was thinking.   
  
"Why are we here?" She asked, sitting in a pew. I sat down next to her.   
  
"I've been thinking. About religion, about this. I used to go to mass every day as a boy. I was an alter server for a time."   
  
She got this odd look on her face, like she was trying not to cry and not to laugh at the same time.   
  
"Came here a while ago. A priest told me I'm not what I think I am."   
  
"What do you think you are?"   
  
"Mostly I think I'm not worthy. Not worthy of you, not worthy of my second chance. I try, but you saw me the other day. I couldn't control it."   
  
"You didn't hurt me. I trust you not to hurt me. I don't think I'm wrong about that."   
  
"Funny thing is, the rest of the Scoobies don't even tempt me most of the time. Dawn never does. Never did, in fact."   
  
She nodded, taking it in. "I can handle it. I won't abandon you Spike. I do care about you."   
  
I looked into her eyes and saw only sincerity. I had to believe that she was being truthful. I brought her here to share my search for redemption with her. I never thought she would be the one offering me absolution.   
  
She asked again, "Why are we here?" this time very softly, hesitantly.   
  
I slowly let my face morph and looked at her. "Do you think I'm evil?"   
  
She didn't flinch.   
  
"I think you're beautiful." she said and brushed my ridges softly with her hand before kissing me briefly. "I think very few people are truly evil. Most have both a capacity for good and a capacity for evil. Vampires may instictively do evil things, but humans have created more evil in this world than demons."   
  
I changed my face back to its human form before asking, "How can you kill vampires and demons night after night, thinking that they're not evil?"   
  
"Vampires kill. It's what they do. I slay. It's what I do. I fight vampires, knowing that while they are not evil, they are not innocent either. It's not murder, it's a fight to the death. It's understood. It's what all vampires, and all Slayers, should face at the hour of their deaths. An enemy that knows them for what they are. You knew that when you faced those two Slayers."   
  
"Let's go." I said. I got up and held my hand out and she took it. We walked slowly to where the candles were. The heels of her shoes echoed loudly in the silence. I lit three of the candles.   
  
"Our Father,   
Who art in heaven,   
hallowed be Thy name;   
Thy kingdom come;   
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.   
Give us this day our daily bread;   
and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those   
who trespass against us;   
and lead us not into temptation,   
but deliver us from evil."   
  
"For the Chinese and New York Slayers, and for Dru. No one delivered them from evil."   
  
I lit another one and said simply, "For Joyce."   
  
Don't know why I was playing at religion. In the church, I felt a subtle but constant force telling me I shouldn't be there. It told me that, maybe, there was a God. I know there are forces, powers, but that's another thing entirely.   
  
As we walked out into the night, she took my hand and said, "You are worthy. Of so many more things than have been given to you."   
  


* * *

  
Giles   
  
They got back in the middle of the night. I got a postcard from New York with a date and time written on the back and nothing else. I figured that I was supposed to be there for the homecoming. Xander, Anya, Willow, and Tara had all gotten back while Buffy and Dawn were still gone. They'd known about Buffy and Spike, but not most of the things that had happened. They'd been gone for that part. They couldn't understand why I was so complacent about the whole thing. I couldn't understand why I was defending Spike. But he really had changed. He was so good for Buffy and he helped Dawn a lot. He didn't kill humans, even without the chip. He saved my life once or twice. So I defended him. And I waited at Buffy's house for him to bring her home.   
  
They came in with numerous bags, even though I knew they'd left with nothing. Where does he get the money? I guess one must acquire some investments, over the years. Anyway, I helped them carry the bags in from Spike's car. Buffy and Dawn looked tired, but happy. Spike looked at them possessively yet tenderly. I watched them go inside, thinking I had lost them. Spike came to stand next to me and said quietly, "They're still yours. Just wanted to borrow 'em for a bit."   
  
There was pain in his voice. I was about to reply when Buffy came back out. She walked to him, took his hands in her own, looked into his eyes, and said, "Thanks." He replied, "My pleasure," and drew her in for a kiss. She obliged him, then hugged him, leaning her head on his chest. "Tired, pet?" "Yeah." "Go inside then, get some rest. I'll see you later."   
  
If I had any doubt before, I didn't then. He loves her. Which was good, because she loves him. I'm not sure if she realized it then, but she does. I've seen Buffy in love before, once. Angel. With him, she felt equal parts pleasure and pain. With Spike, there was more pleasure than pain, because they were allowed to be together.   
  
Spike walked to his car, turned around and said, "Say goodbye to the little bit for me." and left. That's another thing I don't get. Where does he keep that car? He lives in a crypt... They don't exactly come with garage space. Buffy then turned to me and hugged me, catching me unaware. I know she cares for me a great deal, feels close to me in a way she hasn't with her father, but she is rarely demonstrative.   
  
"I missed you Giles."   
  
"As I did you. Did you have a good time?"   
  
At that, she broke into a huge grin and started talking while we walked into the house. "Yeah. We saw everything there is to see. And we shopped and shopped and then shopped some more. Oh! Dawn and I bought presents. Tell everyone meeting tomorrow at my house."   
  
After we got into the house, Dawn said hello and then went to bed. Buffy and I talked for a while about managing her finances. I told her it had been Joyce's wish that I look after her and Dawn. Her father had been more than willing to let me, but he had also insisted on paying the mortgage on the house.   
  
"You talked to my father?"   
  
"Yes. I wasn't supposed to tell you, but how could I not?"   
  
As I looked at her then, sitting on the couch, her elbows resting on her knees, she looked so worn and frail and unlike the Buffy I'd met nearly five years ago. Was it really that long? She'd grown up... I guess it's true what I've read. Slayers age fast and die young. Spike and Dawn were helping her regain her lost youth. We were all trying to prevent the dying young part.   
  


* * *

  
Buffy   
  
The only way I can explain this is by saying that Spike knows everything about me. He was there for Angel, Parker, and Riley. He was there for Angelus, for the Initiative, for the Council, for Glory. He was there when I got punctured by my own stake, when Riley left me, when Dawn found out she was the key, and when Mom died. He was there for everything that had gone wrong in my life, everything that had shaped who I am. He was there, and he knew what I felt. And he loved me, even with that knowledge. He's never judged me for who I really am. He's never condemned me. Something told me I'd never find another person who knows me half as well as he does, who would accept all that I am. Even Angel shied away from the part of me that wanted to be a normal teenage girl. I don't blame him for it... I'll always love him, but I have to face the fact that we're not meant for each other. We never have been. With Riley, it was the opposite. Even though he hunted demons, he didn't understand what being a Slayer means to me. I could have loved him, but he didn't know what I needed. Spike can take me dancing and help me slay a demon on the way home. He researches the latest evil with me and then lets me shop with his money. He makes me feel young again, but doesn't let me avoid my responsibilities. I'm falling for him. Hard. Everything he does for me and Dawn, without thinking anything of it... The feelings I've always had for him are growing, becoming amplified to the point where it almost hurts. I've missed the feeling of loving and being loved at the same time.   
  


* * *

  
Dawn   
  
I dusted my first vampire! I almost couldn't believe it. Buffy and I were walking home one night and we were attacked by a couple of fledglings. Buffy took care of hers in no time, but stood back a bit to let me dust the other one. I didn't feel nervous at the time... I felt oddly calm, like I'd done it many times before. Afterwards, I couldn't stop shaking and I almost threw up. All things considered, the vamp was pretty wimpy. So I dodged a couple punches and staked him. He exploded all over my new clothes and I suddenly got why Buffy never has anything decent to wear. Vampire dust is completely disgusting. When the dust settled, Spike came out of the shadows and said, "Good job, pet." I wasn't surprised by his appearance. I almost expected him to be lurking around us when he wasn't actually walking with us. It was comforting in a way.   
  
Good job. He said good job. I was feeling jittery and excited. My first vampire. And Spike, who I've come to look up to, was proud of me.   
  
Buffy came over and put her arm around me as if to say, "She's my sister, isn't she?" The three of us walked home together, arm in arm, Buffy on my left side and Spike on my right. I felt protected and loved, as if I finally had a real family.   
  


* * *

  
Spike   
  
I never really knew what death meant before I met her. I was only looking for a challenge. Fighting made me feel more alive than anything else and I became the best. Normal humans were no longer a challenge for me. So I went after Slayers. Then I met her. She was something else entirely. She never ceased being a challenge. She was in all respects my equal. If I had a good day, if I killed her, she'd be gone. Sounds obvious, doesn't it? But it's not. If she were dead, I'd never have the thrill of dancing. Never. I'd never get to hear her breathe or see her face. I can't stay away from her for more than a week. It's torture. Just imagine how much longer forever would be... I'd die.   
  
I love her too much for my own good... but then I've never really done things that were good for me.   
  


* * *

  
The End   
  
Associated Poems   
  
Buffy - Testament   
  
People always tell me   
That I shouldn't be who I am.   
People always tell me   
Who I am.   
  
Who is that sunlit girl   
I'm told is me?   
I do not know her,   
I'm sure I do not know her.   
  
Who is that moonlit man   
I'm told is my worst enemy?   
Who is that man?   
He says he loves me.   
  
Who is that dark eyed man   
Who said I was his girl?   
I'm not his anymore.   
He left me.   
  
Who is that fair haired boy   
Who said I wasn't good enough?   
I gave him all I could.   
Why is he gone?   
  
Why will no on tell me   
What lies in the shadows?   
Why will no one let me free?   
Let me make my testament,   
Let _me_ make the choice.   
  
Spike - I Can't Believe   
  
I close my eyes.   
I can't believe.   
I think I see her in front of me.   
I think I feel her touching me.   
  
I close my eyes.   
I can't believe.   
I'll go to sleep and dream   
And miss her in the morning.   
  
I hold my breath.   
I feel her hand upon my arm.   
I look at her.   
I can't believe.   
  
I think I'm dreaming.   
I just woke up.   
She's really here.   
She says she needs me.   
  
I look at her.   
I hold my breath.   
I close my eyes.   
I can't believe.


End file.
